A message from TSP Participant, Leighanne Gray

Dear Serenity Project staff and volunteers,

First of all, thank you all for everything you've done to work on this project. You are all rockstars and this project wouldn't have happened without your hard work, dedication, time, and effort. YOU made this project happen.

When The Serenity Project first asked me to do this project, I was beyond flattered and also a little surprised to have been asked. I used to get letters in the mail inviting me to do pageants all the time, and I always would laugh that a then size 10, heavily chested, acne-faced nerd with no grace whatsoever would EVER be invited to become a beauty queen. I always waived them off thinking, "it's whatever, I don't really care."

And then, The Serenity Project asked me to model. And then I thought, "Well. Crap. There must be something to this whole thing about people telling me that I'm pretty. And if the International Junior Miss Colorado 2017 is telling me that I'm gorgeous and that she wants me to model, well. I can't really listen to those stupid voices in my head that tell me I'm too fat, I'm not pretty enough, and I don't have the chops to do it."

Now, let me be honest here. I didn't tell The Serenity Project I'd do it right away. In fact, I sat on the knowledge that my international beauty queen friend who's also HELLA smart and quick as a whip wanted me to do modeling for a few days. And I laughed to myself for a while. And I told people about it. And they didn't laugh. When I said, "my friend asked me to model for her project," people didn't laugh with me. I said it like it was a punchline to a joke. Like, "Can you BELIEVE she asked me to MODEL?? Does she have EYES???" Yeah, I know. Low self-esteem queen over here. Aaaanyways... when people didn't laugh, and they said, "Oh my god, that's so cool! Are you gonna do it?" It took me back. "Oh. Wait. Other people think I have the chops to do this too. Crap. Logically speaking, you can no longer avoid this. Too many people are asking me if I'm going to, not if I should or shouldn't."

And so, I thought about it. And I said, "Leighanne. What do you want?" And I thought about it some more. I came to the conclusion that I'm a really big fan of staying in my comfort zone and not putting myself out there, ever. In every aspect of life. This time, what's the worst that can happen? And when it came down to it, the worst that could happen was that I don't do it, and I regret passing up the opportunity for the rest of my life. How often does a GORGEOUS international model tell you that you're beautiful and that you should model? I'll tell you, the answer is never. Unless you know Serene Singh, the founder of The Serenity Project.

Once I agreed, I felt so uneasy. I couldn't stop worrying. What if I suck at it? What if I'm not pretty enough? What if I make a fool of myself? What will I do if I fail? These questions and many, many, many horrible negative thoughts rolled through my head until the first practice. In fact, I mentally toiled with this SO much that I almost quit 3 times. The last time, was a week before the second practice. I missed the first because of my job, and I was stressed and not in a good head space. I wrote out the email to The Serenity Project to apologize saying that I couldn't do the project because of some dumb excuse I crafted up that couldn't be worked around. I sat at my desk with my mouse over the send button with tears in my eyes. And I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. And I closed the draft. I was going to sleep on it and see how I feel.

When I woke up the next day, I looked at the ceiling in my little tiny room in Boulder, and I thought to myself, "You always quit things before you can even do them. This time, just do it. And if it's the worst experience you've ever had, so what? You helped out a friend with her project that means a lot to her." So I sighed. I deleted my draft to The Serenity Project. And I put my big girl panties on and I went to practice a week later.

At first, I was terrified. I got to practice an hour early. I sat in my car and texted my best friends. "I'm here. And I still can't believe I'm doing this." They gave me encouragement, love, and support, but I was still scared out of my mind. Until I saw Serene jump out of an SUV and start hauling stuff out of the car. I thought to myself, "I'd know that skinny Indian girl anywhere." I grabbed my heels and my keys, and I made a beeline for Serene.

Serene, when you saw me, you greeted me with the warmest and biggest smile. You gave me a huge hug and told me how happy you were to have me there. In that moment, you solidified my spot in the show. I knew that I had to do this. If Serene was THIS excited to see me, I knew I needed to do this.

Even up until the show, I was so uneasy. But once I did the show, I can tell you that I've NEVER felt more empowered in my life. To watch Autumn walk across the stage and strut her stuff like it was second nature to her, to watch little Lexey, so shy and unsure, walk down and pose and serve face, and to watch Aubrey, my peer, and just as awkward as me, kill it on the runway, I knew during that show, we were all blossoming. By the end of the night, we were so excited and comfortable and thriving in our environment. We were dolled up and feeling great. Our families were there, and we looked amazing. On June 2nd, I finally felt truly beautiful for once in my life.

Serene, I owe you so much for bringing me into your amazing project. I don't think you TRULY understand the impact that you've made on our lives. You've done what I thought impossible: you've made me comfortable in my own skin, and you made me realize that it's okay to love myself, and to love my body and my face and the fact that my eyes squint, and my cheeks get all round, and I get a double chin when I smile from true happiness. Wanna know how I'm okay with that? Because when I strutted down that runway, I was truly happy. And even though I didn't look model-esque with my double chin and squinty eyes, I love those pictures of myself on that stage. Because for once in a very, very long time, I felt happy. Thank you to everyone who worked on this project. And thank you, Serene. You are truly an amazing woman, and someone that I feel grateful to call my friend.

Lots of love, Leighanne Gray, TSP Participant